" Ditch's Stout " Master Class .....

[Ditch]

Hullo, Wales, mate. Put a couple in yesterday, as it happens. Made a right cock up this time round, mind you. Thought to myself; " Must order my kits ..... " And that was it! Thought no more about it!

Up shot is that, by the time I actually did order them? I was right off kilter. Had to send a bloody taxi to pick them up and fetch them here, from town ~ else I wouldn't have had them till middle of next week. So, that's cost me a tenner.

Then, yesterday, I had to send another f**king cab, to get me a case of Karpacky, so I'll have something to tide me over while these two make Not much change from a fifty note there then! And all because I had my head up my arse.

Regards this place being hidden away in here now? Hasn't stopped 'em! I'm still drawing over a Hundred hits a day, for some unfathomable reason!

True! Look: June 12, I happened to spot the hit count was at " 66666 ". I mentioned that in the Tap. How I know. June 28 and it was " 68660 ". So, I got the calculator out.

68660 - 66666 = 1994 hits in sixteen days. 1994 / by 16 = 124 Hits a day. How mental's that?!

I should have bought shares in Coopers, while I had the money, eh?!

[WalesAles]

Ditch,
Coopers should put you on their payroll anyway! If you are taking 124 hits a day, and each of those hits are impressed enough to go and buy a kit, you must have made millions of pounds for Coopers over the years!
WA

[tazzymutt]

It really p$sses me off that your Thread has been moved from the top of the Kit Brewing Forum! Took me ages to find you tonight!
I used to always click on `Ditch`s Stout Masterclass` first thing every time I logged on!
WA

I reckon it was an evil plot to stop Ditch taking over the entire bandwidth of the forum

Happy brewing,


Ian.

PS What does everyone else do with the final little dregs in the keg? I usually drain them into a bottle, leave it a few days to settle, then pour and enjoy. Is it just me, or are other folks that "waste averse"?

[Ditch]

I reckon it was an evil plot to stop Ditch taking over the entire bandwidth of the forum

They'll never stop me! <Laughs like Ming the Merciless>

PS What does everyone else do with the final little dregs in the keg?

I normally just pour as much true beer as I possibly can into my glass. My cut off point is when the keg's tilted so far forward that there's a very real risk of it slipping off the window sill and knocking the f**king glass out of my hand. Lose / Lose situation, right there!

So, yeah, I normally end up with very little stout left. And a fair enough body of quite cohesive slurry that I have to jet wash out with the hose.

[Ditch]

Oh, well That's just f**king peachy!!!!!

I've put a couple in, what? Wednesday. These days, of course, I'm fermenting them in my 'indoor shed' (I don't know what else to call it. Quirk of rural Irish architecture of a couple of centuries ago. Like a down stairs shit hutch, without the loo. Only, there's no upstairs to this place)

Anyway; I started drinking it last night, as I remember. And, having been drinking Karpacki lager for three or four days, it tasted off the scale f**king lovely! So flavoursome, I was chewing it! Only ..... I just wasn't getting that hit off it. Know what I mean?

Now, having decided it couldn't have fermented out fully yet ~ I never even stopped to think of the time scale involved. Last night, I'd syphoned only a sample into the keg. Then flicked the switch on the FV heater again. Figuring every hour more it can get up to temp' and ferment would make it more worth drinking.

And, I've just finished the 'sample' in the BK and sucked my first 'real' pint of the night out of the FV. Into my glass. And it was chewy. And Stone F**king Cold!!!

Out with the heater. Twist. Twist. F**k all! Don't know if the f**king thing's broken, of if the fuse has just blown. Either way, that's it. I'm sat here drinking the equivalent of stout f**king tea!

Right. That's That one down the neck. Now, I'm gonna go and suck a pint out of the other FV. If That one's cold? I'm slashing my wrists, or hitting the Jameson again! It'll mean the fuse in the extension lead's gone and they're Both f**king half fermented!

Right. This is it. The Gypsys Warning. My call to arms (Winter Is Coming) I'm buying that electric f**king blanket, next time I'm in town. Get my Fermentation Cell sorted out.

Absolutely gutted!!!

[timbo41]

Mate you could have nipped over for the last pints of the special .....yes its lasted that long! Mainly because hanging from the gutter gibbering after 3 pints ain't cool.

[WalesAles]

Aaaaaaw, Poor Ditch, Love im!
Just found a bottle of Stout from 16/12/13 Dry Hopped with Sylva. Brewed to 18Lts, 6.3%.
At the time it tasted Hoppy and Different.
Now it tastes like Ditch`s 3 Gall Stout!
No taste of Hops at all!
No more buggerring about with Hops in a Stout again!
WA

[Ditch]

No more buggerring about with Hops in a Stout again!

Never have quite fathomed why anyone would do that in the first place. But, anyway .....

[Ditch]

Okay, guys. I really want to mark this moment: I now own a digital thermometer. An electric blanket. A sheet of 'Kingspan' and a roll of silage bale tape.

Christ. That actually does come across as a tad sinister, doesn't it .....? Given certain considerations.

Anyway, yeah, I'm hoping to make my Fermentation Box in the, hopefully, foreseeable future, now.

I'm struggling and limping through a truly f**king Horrible time, right now. Staggering from one hassle to another. I've completely given up on Fish Tank Heaters! Christ, I have a f**king grave yard of them here!

Not their fault. They're made to be put into a fish tank and then, like the fishes, left the f**k alone! Not pulled out and dipped in bleach and christ knows what every week.

So, right now, I have One heater that, frankly, isn't exactly inspiring great faith in me either. F**king thing. But, it's my last one. I Need to sort this FB.

I also need to sort the removal of a 20' x 30' asbestos roof, from my stable. And get a €500.00+ load of tin on there! Can ye not Feel the f**king pressure I'm under?! (Winter Is Coming)

Anyway, yeah. Whole new groove for this thread. Potentially for the future of " Ditch's Stout ". If I had teeth? I'd be chewing my lip ....!

[Ditch]

Okay, guys. I really want to mark this moment: I now own a digital thermometer.....

Useless, worthless piece of f**king shit That turned out to be!!!

I know how to deal with shit .....

Don't f**k me off ....!

[tazzymutt]

So I guess you are not sending that back for a refund then?

Out of curiosity, I can see what is wrong with it now but what was wrong before it pee'd you off?

Happy brewing,


Ian.

[WalesAles]

Ditch,
Did you wire it in correctly?
Just asking!!
WA

[Ditch]

Lads; It was just a worthless piece of shit. Period. I bought it off someone on here. Untouched. I can't remember why he'd decided it wasn't what he needed. Can't even remember who he was.

Turns out it's 120V. Now, even the f**king sparkie who I was showing it to and asking about it never picked up on this. Then, the Mad Hip told me I'd need a transformer of some sort, to run it through.

Finally, on the Equipment board, I was told that this make is utter and total shit. The shittiest China can come up with. " Elitech " appears to be the only brand worth looking at. " STC 1000 " by Elitech. The rest are chinkie rip offs.

That particular one ~ the name's on Brewing Equipment ~ is a pale imitation of the chinkie rip offs!

Reading that was quite enough for me. I went chink on it. Took it out and shot it.

[tazzymutt]

Reading that was quite enough for me. I went chink on it. Took it out and shot it.

Well no one will accuse you of being indecisive

I have one of the Elitech units (Ebay, about fifteen quid) and it has been fine for the time I've used it, apart from when I put the sensor somewhere stupid (entirely my own fault).

Happy brewing,


Ian.

(Not drinking much stout at present due to the weather but looking forward to a well matured brew when the night start to draw in)

[CJR]

Reading that was quite enough for me. I went chink on it. Took it out and shot it.

Well no one will accuse you of being indecisive

I have one of the Elitech units (Ebay, about fifteen quid) and it has been fine for the time I've used it, apart from when I put the sensor somewhere stupid (entirely my own fault).

Happy brewing,


Ian.

(Not drinking much stout at present due to the weather but looking forward to a well matured brew when the night start to draw in)

May I enquire as to what stupid place that was?