" Ditch's Stout " Master Class .....

[Deebee]

Sorry I can`t help you Ditch, but it sounds like your heaters to me as being the problem.

Simple truth is, mate ..... I Don't Know!

Anyway, noted: at 25.5C? Ditch destroyed his own baby! I won't be f**king trying That again!

Happy news is that, this afters, I got amongst my latest bucket load: Chocolate coffee!!! F**king gorgeous! I'm So relieved, because it's cost me Two Cases of Karpackie, just edging round that blow out there.

Yesterday, I tried to order in my six kits? Shane only had ONE! Not his fault in the least, of course. He'd be expecting me to put in my order at the end of the month, as I always do.

So, I had to go for five Old Ale's. No matter. After over a week on f**king lager? I'm just So grateful to be back on my own stuff. A month of Coopers Old will be an all expenses paid holiday, compared to another case of f**king lager!

How are the old ales Ditch. never really heard of them.

Did you get your kits in the end?

There we are then. Ditch raises a fine glass of " Ditch's Stout ". Thinks about getting another one ....! This is the Dogs bits, isn't it?

[Ditch]

How are the old ales Ditch. never really heard of them.

Sorry, mate! I Really need to get this tattooed on the back of my hand! It's " Coopers Dark Ale "!!!

I don't know where I got the " Old " bit from. Must have read it as part of a sales pitch somewhere, and it just stuck I do shit like that. It's almost like some form of Dyslexia. I catch it wrong, the first time, and I just can't drop it after that.

Anyway, yeah. The DARK is always my second port of call. It's alright

Sorry I can't give ye a comparison. " It's like Old Pec' / Speckled Hen / Hob Goblin / Directors ..... What ever. "

Simple truth is; I went dry for fifteen years, mate. Then I started making and drinking my stout. So, in effect? I haven't tasted pub bought 'real ales' in over two decades! How the F**k would I remember what they tasted like now?!

I know I was a Bastard for the old Pec'. But, how that might have compared to Coopers Dark? God alone knows.

I can tell ye my stout leaves 99.9% of Irish pub poured Guinness weeping in its dust

[Deebee]

I drank Guinness at Johnny Foxes in Dublin about thebtime you went dry then.. blew everything here out of thebwater.
I make my own stouts now which make Guinness look positively gay..

[timbo41]

This old thread still running...nearly a hundred pages of choccy/ coffee loveliness Sensei Ditch!!

[Ditch]

I make my own stouts now which make Guinness look positively gay..

Not difficult, mate! It's the way Guinness make them sell it. Freezing cold, so it goes down like razors.

I've personally passed the acid test plenty of times now. I have absolutely No qualms about looking an Irish Landlord straight in the eye and telling him, in a clear and steady voice:

" The stuff I make at home? I'd sooner pay ye to serve me it here, than have to drink This f**king stuff! "

I absolutely mean it too. And, I mean ~ and cause ~ no offence by it. Because they know, as well as I do, they're just acting as shop assistants in a multinational chain. They're simply there to pour the shit and take money for it.

They have No control over the actual product.

[Ditch]

This old thread still running...nearly a hundred pages of choccy/ coffee loveliness Sensei Ditch!!

Timbo; It's f**king crazy, isn't it, mate? I doubt there's another thread on Any other home brew forum, Anywhere, that's a match for this one. F**k knows how many posts, all about just one mans concept of a single f**king kit!

And, when ye consider how this was started, because I was Already sick and tired of fielding so many questions, all over the forum in general ....? Put them all together and god alone knows how big this thread would be. Madness.

Worst of all is? I still have plenty more yet to say. I'm just too busy right now. I'm ringing birds all day, every day. (Ye know; Asking them what they're wearing .....) I can't settle or concentrate on anything. Popping out to check my traps every ten minutes. Can't hold a train of thought.

But, yeah, I'm noticing subtle things I want to mention yet. I guess that's the beauty of just, pretty much, doing the same damn kit, for years on end ~ and with my own, particular slant and attitude to it .....

I can't help ye with lagers, IPA's or even Wherry. But, if ye like a stout and have got a Coopers kit ....?

[Manngold]

I broke. Just put my first Ditch's stout on! I wasn't going to, but 98 pages of post's must be right!

I followed your recipe Ditch, I know you dont care for hydrometers etc, but my O.G for those interested was 1.044

Cheers

[CJR]

I broke. Just put my first Ditch's stout on! I wasn't going to, but 98 pages of post's must be right!

I followed your recipe Ditch, I know you dont care for hydrometers etc, but my O.G for those interested was 1.044

Cheers

It can't be a Ditch's if you put a float in there!

[Ditch]

O.G for those interested was 1.044

Manngold; I genuinely don't know what that means. I pay little enough attention to what it says on cans and clips. My gear tastes nice. Goes down well. And sends me to bed in the end

Anyway, I thank ye for the input, for those who may wonder about such things. All adds to the catalogue of verified gear we're getting on here.

[Ditch]

Well, I've just had one of those Eureka moments .....

The syphon tube, with its little tap on the end? Yeppers. I tend to catch the little lever / handle under the raised lip of the FV's lid.

Only f**ker is that when that f**king tap slipped out, due to gravitational shit. And it ended up on the floor? Four F**king Gallons of prime shit ended up on my floor!!!

Sorted!!! .....

[crafty john]

Well, I've just had one of those Eureka moments .....

The syphon tube, with its little tap on the end? Yeppers. I tend to catch the little lever / handle under the raised lip of the FV's lid.

Only f**ker is that when that f**king tap slipped out, due to gravitational shit. And it ended up on the floor? Four F**king Gallons of prime shit ended up on my floor!!!

Sorted!!! .....

Now there is an idea I like the look of, cheap and low tech

[tazzymutt]

Well, I've just had one of those Eureka moments .....

The syphon tube, with its little tap on the end? Yeppers. I tend to catch the little lever / handle under the raised lip of the FV's lid.

Only f**ker is that when that f**king tap slipped out, due to gravitational shit. And it ended up on the floor? Four F**king Gallons of prime shit ended up on my floor!!!

Sorted!!! .....

Now there is an idea I like the look of, cheap and low tech

Better than that; it looks reliable. But what else would you expect from Ditch?

Happy brewing,


Ian.

[Ditch]

Yeppers. That simple device has proven a godsend .....


I just had a hairy moment though! Was ready to put a couple more on. Reached for the DSM I had sitting about. Found that was BKE, from an earlier few Dark Ales I'd got, when Shane didn't have enough stouts to fill my order. (Shame on Shane! Naah. A change is as good as a rest. And I never f**king rest from drinking this stuff!)

So, anyway; I went to the box from my last order and fetched out two of the four bags in there. Only, my eyes ~ and head ~ being what they are these days, I determined not to f**k up. I put my glasses on, wanting to Read that this was in fact spray malt. Just to be sure (To be sure)

The f**king horror!!! Look what the labels said!

And I've got four of those. Four more kit cans. Near panic!

I thought of emailing Shane ~ Very Urgent! Then, f**k it! I have a phone here .....

So, I ring The Homebrew Company. IE. Some lad comes on the line and says Shane'll be back in a minute. I explain my quandary to him anyway. He says to hold on, he'll put me onto someone else who may be better able to answer me.

I then listen to a muffled exchange that was probably along the lines of an Alan Partridgesque: " Toh fok, fok, fok! ' Wot?! ' Toh fok. Kont. Som fokking bret ..... Fok. " Oh! Foh fok seyk! ..... Hollo ....?

Naah, seriously; The lad managed to figure out what the f**k I was on about. And he assured me that 1 K's of shit go in 1 K bags. They do indeed look a lot like this:

I reckoned the bags looked and felt like 'A bag of sugar' size and weight. He said I'd notice, if there was just 500g in a bag. Looking back? I guess he's right I haven't got any kitchen scales, see? My only scales are for weighing birds when I ring them. I don't think I want to handle any bird weighing a f**king Kilo or more!

So, there we are then. Beer in. Presently, I'll rinse and dump in the heaters and yeast. I've cracked into my last BK of gear, today. Now, the race is on to make fresh stocks as I get amongst this last lot.

Stay tuned too. Because I made a cock up, today, that I'll have to wait on the finished results to test. But, it's inadvertently testing a belief of mine .....

[6470zzy]

Stay tuned too. Because I made a cock up, today, that I'll have to wait on the finished results to test. But, it's inadvertently testing a belief of mine .....

Well don't leave us hanging............. what went wrong ????

[themadhippy]

I haven't got any kitchen scales,

compare the weight of the malt to the weight of 1 litre ( 1 3/4 pints) of water