" Ditch's Stout " Master Class .....

[mattpocket]

Well I've read this thread in its entirety over the last two days and finally reached its end. God knows how many words it is. I feel like I've read a screenplay! This stuff must be legendary to demand so much input from the dedicated fans!

Anyway, I bought the ingredients for making a drop of ditch's stout yesterday when I was about half way through the thread. All my brews so far (10 kits or so) have been made with Tate and Lyle granulated sugar only (Feel free to tear my balls off here Ditch). After tasting my Coopers Wheat Beer I was a bit disappointed at how 'thin' it tasted with just the white table sugar alone so I figured it was time to experiment. As a new forum user, I figured 40 odd pages and raving reviews would be a good place to start! Just lately, I've been dreaming of a nice pint (or seven) of some treacle-y stout as well, so discovering this thread came at the perfect time.

First off, the brew I put in the FV today isn't a true Ditch's Stout per se (that's a disclaimer Ditch, feel free to rip me apart). So here's my 'brew diary' of today's antics.

I invested in one of those rubbery bucket thingies and a 50w aquarium heater. £6 for the bucket (Wickes), and £19 for the 50w heater (Pets at home). To be honest, my house is about warm enough anyway, but it can cool off at night or when the missus decides she's having a hot-flush and needs the window open. I'm almost certain I don't need the heater yet, but I'm thinking of it as an investment for the winter. It can get pretty cold in our flat due to the shop downstairs (also, my LHBS by the way! ) being completely unheated and what with me being a penny pinching bast*rd, I refuse to have it on during the day while I'm out of the house.

First off, I think I might actually be lazier than you Ditch (if that's possible!) and can't be arsed sanitising things - the fewer items the better for me. I dont have the luxury of having buckets of bleach and whatnot lying around for longer than a couple of hours (the better half moans about there being a single FV being on show! ). So, I just use a litre or two of hot tap water from my shower hose (can't even be arsed to wait for the kettle to boil you see!) and a couple of teaspoons of sodium metabisulphate to sanitise my FV. Shove it in, shake it about, wait five minutes and rinse out. Jobs a good un. I throw my hydrometer in there at the same time to give that a clean up (I know, I'm sorry Ditch, you must be having a heart attack by now).

Anyway, due to my laziness I couldn't be d1cked with sanitising the heater so I've put my FV in the rubbery bucket wotsit, filled it with water and I've got the heater in there.

I didn't use the exact 'raw cane sugar' that Ditch uses either. You'll be glad to know though Ditch, that I didn't use 100% Tate & Lyle! I got some of that Molasses Raw Cane Sugar that somebody else used a few posts back (£1.50 from Morrisons). It's like a big black block of sugary goodness. Tastes very treacle-y. I'm not one for measuring ingredients, so I threw the lot (500g) into a huge saucepan, along with the contents of the kit, a kilo of dark spray malt and some water. I heated it and stirred it until I felt everything was dissolved. I did find though that the malt and/or sugar all clumped together and became rock hard lumps! Having never used malt before, I sh!t myself at this point thinking I'd f*cked up, so I got my stick blender out and whizzed it up. That seemed to do the job! This created a nice head which I'm sure is going to help with the aeration. Either way, it was a means to an end. Next I threw all this gunk into the FV and topped up with water from the shower hose. I take the shower head off and put my finger over the end to create some pressure, kind of like using a garden hose (no, I didn't sanitise my finger first ). This created a huge head on the beer, which I guess is something that approximates the aeration ditch gets from his power drill method. This is where I f*cked up a bit here. I over filled the FV because I woefully ignored Ditch's instructions about filling low and then topping up when the froth dies back (Ditch, fire at will!). So I ended up with an FV of 5 gallons by the time the foam dropped back! Gutted. I waited for the froth to die down before employing some damage control. I took a hydrometer reading and it was WAAAYY too low (about 1034 or something), so I quickly threw another 500g of sugar into my boiling pot with a minimal amount of water (for some reason I am more at ease if the sugar is dissolved before it goes in). Anyway, after I'd dropped that into the FV I'm up to about 1048, so that will do for me. The hydrometer goes in at the start and stays in for the duration (another labour saving device) - although I had to blow the foam out of the way to read it (no, I didn't sanitise my mouth before I did this). I suppose I've got a few extra pints to drink out of it, which I'm counting as a 'saving grace' for my complete ineptitude!

So I think it's about time to pitch the yeast. I appreciate it's not a true Ditch's Stout but it's close enough for me! I won't worry if it's not the best thing I've ever tasted in the world, and neither will I blame you Ditch, I'll learn from my mistakes and adapt next time! Besides that Ditch, I'm 110% certain whatever I produced today will go down my neck with wanton abandon, so you don't have that to worry about!

I'd like to thank Ditch and everybody else who has contributed to this huge thread! It;s a great community here. I've enjoyed reading all of your replies too Ditch. I'm looking forward to my own shot-down-in-flames reply too! I used your philosophy of just using what you have on hand at the time. That and a bit of stick-to-what-I-know mentality. The only bit I feel l really f*cked up on was over-egging the brew length. I'll know better next time!

[edit: Sh!t, this was a long post. I dont think anyone will gain anything from it, but I felt that since everybody else had, that I may as well record my experiences of brewing something 'closeish' to being a Ditch's Stout. For the record Ditch, I don't think you'll convert many of these f*ckers to sticking to your recipe, all us homebrew types seem like we just want to have a good tinker around with things, mad scientist style! Ps. I'll also be priming my barrel slightly (one last opportunity for a shot at my method here Ditch! haha). Also, apologies for poor grammar etc, I've sunk a pint or two whilst writing this - and several before I started writing it!]

[Ditch]

Ye okay, today, Matt. I've been working my head so f**king hard it wants to explode as it is. So, with my blood pressure in mind, I'm determined to wind down this evening. So, I'll not be ripping anything off. Out. Or apart. Not tonight, at least.

Tonight, I'm St. Ditch. Gentle and mild. Softly spoken and forgiving. (Must be a major f**king conjunction of a sh!t load of planets, as never before occurred, or something, too!) Or, perhaps it's just me not wanting a head ache?

Ye sanitisation ~ or lack of it ~ worries me. Yes, I'm a lazy bastard. But, I'm a cunning and artful lazy bastard. I don't just decide to arbitrarily f**k some procedure off, just for sh!ts 'n giggles. I simply consider what I'm being told to do. And why. Then I figure out if I can safely avoid doing it.

Thus far then, I'll often as not decant an FV into the BK I just drained the last pint from. But, I'll do so because that last pint was as sweet as the first. Ipso fact; Nothing going wrong in those dregs.

I even take this further. I use the tapped syphon tube to fill my glass. Straight from the FV. Don't bother decanting from the FV to BK. This happens when I empty the BK at some ungodly hour and still want more beer.

I'm too pissed to be arsed. So I pour that last few pints via the syphon. Then, next day, I just shrug and say, " F**k it. " And off I go again. I've done this for days on end and drank most of the FV that way, perfectly fine. And that with the lid opened a good inch all that time.

That way can cost ye that last couple of pints though. I've had it turn to less than I can be doing with, by the end of the week. Treat that trick with respect then.

Point I'm trying to get at here though is that my stuff ~ my kit ~ is always strenuously sanitised, to start with. When I buy a new BK / FV, I always accept that it might be contaminated by anything from machine oil to mouse piss. Thus, I go to town on it. Caustic Soda being just the start.

Hot water out of a tap? I wouldn't trust it. It'll barely wash, let alone sanitise ye factory fresh's.

If ye limited for space and have a harridan? One litre mist sprayer bottle. Do try to buy a half decent one. Cheap ones Always f**k up in short order and let ye down when ye up to ye eyes in sh!t to do.

I have a Hozelock one here. Cost me €4.50. F**king brilliant! Get one. Fill it with bleach solution. Spray ye FV's with it. Job's a good'n. But; Wash. Power wash. CLEAN ye new kit out first. Then start sanitising it, or not. But, it must be Clean, before ye can even sanitise it. Cost ye an entire brew otherwise.

As for all the other breath takingly bad f**k ups ye've made there? What can I say? Get amongst the abortion ye creating there. Get as slaughtered and happy as it can make ye.

But, next time? Pay A F**king Tention!!! Then, maybe, ye'll get to produce the nearest thing to the real deal.

The master of any art can make it seem easy. But, that comes with mastery. Imitate slowly. Try to recognise Why ye do what ye do. Don't follow me blindly. But, don't try rushing off at tangents either. Not if ye want to find what this is all about

[mattpocket]

I'll take it on board Ditch thanks (though to be fair I've not had a brew go bad yet). I've used bleach in the last when I've been out of sanitizer, but I mix it with water. Do you use straight bleach?

Also, no danger of mouse p1ss up here, but I get where you're coming from.

[Ditch]

Do you use straight bleach?

No, mate. I use cheap, Thin bleach, to start with. I Don't Want Domestos, that sticks like sh!t to a blanket. I have to rinse the sh!t off again, after all!

And there's a given proportion of dilution, for the watery, 'crap' bleach. I can't remember it and have probably long since lost the note I kept. It'll be on here, somewhere. Take a week off and use the Search function.

Otherwise? Do as I do. Chuck some into some water and then take a sniff. Think of it like a swimming pool. Don't need to pass out at a single sniff of it, for it to be working. As long as ye nose can tell ye there's bleach in that solution? I'd say rinsing the sh!t off ye gear, after a few minutes of contact time, is more important.

[simco999]

Jesus h christ - accusing Ditch of being lazy is just plain wrong - try chucking 40 pints and then wondering why u didn't use 29p of cheap bleach you knob - really this is beyond stupid

[Ditch]

Simmer; I suspect a misunderstanding here, mate. He's not accusing me of laziness. He's just echoing my own sentiment; That I'm a lazy f**ker when making beer.

In the sense that I try to shave the process down to the barest bones, whilst still keeping it workable

[mattpocket]

That's exactly what I meant Ditch. No offence intended. 'Efficient' might be a better word.

I'm taking a bit of a risk with my sanitisation method but it's worked up to now. If for some reason it goes wrong this time, then I'll change it.

[BeerEagle]

Whoah! 666 posts? (668 now)

[Psycho Mouse]

Just had a sneaky taste out of the FV after 6 days, couldn't resist the smell anymore... Good god, this stuff is good, a little too warm, not a hint of fizziness, and blacker than a black thing from blackville. Perfect.

The hydrometer (sorry) is down to 1.011 from 1.051 so it's damn near finished, and at 5.3% already, it's a proper strength.

[Ditch]

Yeah. It is too warm, if ye sample it straight from the heated FV. I found that. Better to pour yeself a pint and then f**k off and do something distracting while it cools to ambient.

Nice though, init?

[Psycho Mouse]

Exceptional.

[simco999]

Simmer; I suspect a misunderstanding here, mate. He's not accusing me of laziness. He's just echoing my own sentiment; That I'm a lazy f**ker when making beer.

In the sense that I try to shave the process down to the barest bones, whilst still keeping it workable

Ditchers - I understand what you are saying but playing fast and loose with sanitisation is just wrong. After you have made it clear that you spend a lot of time making sure things are sanitised this makes a mockery of your thread. It winds me up. Newbies will think this is acceptable. Its not.

[Ditch]

If beginners will read this far into this Thread. Including my own post at: Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:43 pm. And still take the word of a guy who's just made a couple of observations, based on being in the midsts of trying to replicate my stuff ....?

Then I honestly don't know what I, you, or anyone else can say or do for them, mate

It's all down, amongst this lot. Every single nuance of how I do it. They read, digest. Follow my way? I guarantee them a lovely pint.

They start deviating? Adding this. Leaving out that. Using this, in place of the other? Listening to other people posting on here ....? That's alright. But, it's Not " Ditch's Stout ".

Their plastics turn their stuff to vinegar, because they don't listen to what I'm saying?

*Shrugs* ..........

[pedropotato]

Hi All!

I've been lurking the forums, and this thread has inspired me to register.

I have a buddy at work, who loves to create intredasting beers of a 'distinct' nature;

e.g. he had a non-stout heavy beer recipe that called for black treacle, molasses with a Tom Cackston 1 can kit.
this resulted in such a dark, mysterious brew, that it could only be rivalled by the deepest porters and stouts for comparison.

keep up the good work Ditch! you're an inspiration.

Regards,

Ray.

[Ditch]

Cheers, Ray! And, if you or ye mate try this one, I can assure ye, ye'll enjoy it